Category: Joke Board
PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate
many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency,
I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being
the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.
I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't
the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit
of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt
Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure,
and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken
chimps.
Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that Americas just crawling with
homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my
body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during
a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are
you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there
will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute
miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Wow!! that's funny!!